WADS O' GODS! - RtS 5.1 - Samhain 1995 updated slightly, 2002

Another fine Pantheon to Play With
by Galadriel Beachbunny and Eris Bananaoil, Witches-R-Us Cabal POEE

Constance, bless her heart, asked us about the Erisian Deities for her series. When she found out just how many there are, and how difficult to pin down but often bad tempered they can be, she threw up her hands. We volunteered to fill in. There are individuals and groups of Erisian Spirits for all occasions and tastes. Many of them are Young Gods, having only taken form in the last 3 decades. While they resist actual categorization, (Ha! the revolution begins!) they can be loosely grouped by habitat: Indoors Deities include the Office Gods while Outdoors Deities include the Road Fairies. Wheeee!

Eris

gems: beach tar, beach glass plants: golden apple, poison oak element: laughter
animals: duckbilled platypuss, mosquito magickal tool: golden apple scents: burnt toast, roasted marshmallows

Eris is the Matriarch of the Erisian pantheon. Originally a Greek Goddess, She has transcended the Greeks just as Yeshua Ben Yoseph has transcended Judaism. Her myth lives on in modern life and fairy tales such as Sleeping Beauty and Snow White. (Think grumpy fairy curses and apples.)

Her own myth is this: Eris was not invited to a very important party and so she crashed it carrying a golden apple inscribed Kallisti, "for the prettiest one", and rolled it down the hall. Chaos and confusion arose from this act because Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite all wanted the apple. When Zeus decided to pass the buck to a kid named Paris, the Goddesses all tried to bribe him. Aphrodite got the apple because She gave Paris "the most beautiful woman in the world", Helen as in Troy.

Eris is the Goddess of menstrual cramps and flat tires, but also of silliness and childish joy. Sacraments to Eris include eating a hot dog without the bun on a Friday (hot dog buns are forbidden), really gooey smores, twinkies, mud pies, apples and hallucinogens. This is enforced (snicker) by the Paratheoanametamystichood Of Eris Esoteric (POEE), of which there are local cabals everywhere.

And Her consort...

Murphy

gem: mud plant: poison ivy element: hot air
animal: cockroach magickal tool: screwdriver scent: burnt rubber

Most famous for His Law, "If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong, in the worst possible fashion", Murph is Eris's grumpy, silent consort. His Avatar is Marvin the Android, as chronicled in The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy. (This book is an Erisian Sacred Text.)

For some people, it seems that Murphy has practically moved in to stay, for others, He visits for a spectacular few days, then disappears. Partly this is influenced by the nature of the person, but there are other factors. You can be sure that Murphy is "blessing" your house if the cockroach kingdom is living with you. He doesn't like to come to parties until most of the people are so drunk and disorderly that it's starting not to be fun anymore. He doesn't hang around long if you have your own tool chest and know how to use it. Murphy may be distracted with laughter, chocolate, or a good soak in the hot tub.

INDOORS:

Domestic Deities...

The Pockwatchies

gems: watches plants: house element: chance
animals: dust bunnies magickal tools: refrigerator, laundry basket scent: dust
These are the little invisible beings who sit on things, making the things sat on invisible as well. Among their favorite things to sit on are car keys, eyeglasses and wallets. The more mischievous Pockwatchies don't just sit on things, but actually move them, so you may find your missing eyeglasses in the refrigerator. They are driven away by excessive cleaning up, or distracted by the offerings of Legos™ or shiny things. They get nasty if a place is really dirty rather than just messy.

 

Hot

gem: carbon plant: aloe vera element: fire (what else?)
animal: salamander, kangaroo magickal tool: stove, oven scent: stir-fried Szechwan peppers

She is the One invoked when you grab a hot metal pot handle without a pot-holder, then exclaim, "OW! Damn! That's HOT!" She is Hel's little sister. She is irritated that some members of the currently dominant group of religions have given Her turf to Hel. "She can have Her cold realm and leave Mine alone," She said in a recent interview. She thinks Scandinavian "kitchen witch" dolls are cute.

 

ChloraMay (domestic) and SpeedQueen (commercial)

gems: quarters plant: fresh lemon element: soap
animal: dancing hippo magickal tool: the clothes washer and dryer scents: bleach, fabric softener
Goddesses of Laundry. Excellent at teleportation magick, they particularly like to eat socks. Occasionally they give back size 40 jockey shorts, but only if nobody in the house would ever wear them. Often create "static" time portals around specific clothing items. (if a shirt goes missing one load, it may instantly re-appear the next day, month, or year) ChloraMay has the gentler disposition, and prefers Woolite™ or Ivory Snow™. SQ is a bit more jaded, and will accept any kind of soap.

 

Cherry Poptart

gem: glitter plants: hemp, comic books element: fire
animals: bunny, wolf magickal tool: the divine vibrator scents: vanilla, cinnemon, musk, cherry
An Adventurous Goddess of Sacred Sexuality and Play, she brings joy and orgasms to any with whom she comes in contact. Inclined to giggle. Often seen in the company of her friends and sister Deities Elle Dee, Patty Melt, and Lola Paluzza. Loves to dance, drive (or ride) in fast cars, shop, and have lots of rambunctious sex. With her assortment of magickal battery-operated wands, she turns on anyone or anything remotely capable of it. Is upset if not invoked at orgies, blesses her worshippers with pleasure.

 

Pez

gem: chalk plants: lemon, orange cherry, grape element: sugar
animals: yes magickal tool: the cosmic dispenser scents: lemon, orange cherry, grape
An eternal Deity of plenty and sugar highs. Worshipped at a portable altar with whimsical character heads, Pez can be venerated in conjunction with Bullwinkle. Enjoys riding in pockets, glove compartments, picnic baskets, and shopping carts.

 

Ogodoplees

gem: yellow pearl plant: camphor element: lava
animal: rhinoceres magickal tool: golden apple scents: camphor, benzyl peroxide
This is the Deity so many of us invoked when we were teenagers facing a big date and did not want our complexions to betray our stress.

 

Bullwinkle

gem: cravat pin plants: golden apple, poison oak element: twinkies
animals: ungulates magickal tool: hat scent: musk
Partnered with Rocky the Flying Squirrel. A God of silly poetry, unlikely scientific theories, and fantastic adventures. Graduate Whatsamatter U. Worship include "Moosemas", a ritual of loafing in which participants wear loafers, pajamas, tacky lingerie, and generally "Moose out" by sitting in lawn chairs, playing "Pin the Phallus on the Moose", and consulting the "Mr.Know-it-all Oracle" while munching on sacraments including pizza, kool aid, and twinkies for feasting.

 

Theabromia and her multitudinous children, including the kindly Chocolove, Dagoba and Rapunzel

gem: marble plant: cocoa bean element: earth
animal: cow magickal tool: double boiler scent: baking brownies

These Deities are well-known to those for whom the love of chocolate is more than a monthly hormonal event. Theabromia is the all-encompassing Mother, ruler of all forms of chocolate from ganache to fudge to chips. Godiva, Rapunzel Droste and Hershey are the better known of Her many children. While individual allegiances vary, it is generally understood that Nestlé is anathema because of Its anti-human, anti-Erisian, anti-fun sales practices in the Third World (starving babies). Recent practices by many producers in Western Africa have caused us to prefer Free Trade chocolate from South America.

The Office Gods:

Caffine and Caffina

gem: sugar plant: coffee element: water
animals: bees magickal tools: espresso machine, ibrik/cezve scent: coffee
"We all worship the Black Bean, Body of our God Caffeine". These words begin the morning devotions in many a Pagan household. Traditions abound in the worship of these Deities. Followers in the Mediterranean worship many times during the day drinking the powerful sacramental "espresso" which is a muddy syrup unlike the friendly "mocha-java" liquid served in many American cafés. British worship is a formalized ceremony performed in the afternoon hours. The British often worship Theabromia during the same rite, which consists of "tea" accompanied by sandwiches, scones and "sweets". Followers of these deities are known as Javacrucians and Tea-osophists.

 

Computa

gem: silica plant: kudzu element: cyberspace
animals: spider, mouse magickal tools: keyboard, mouse, monitor, CPU, DSL scents: burnt plastic
The Mother Goddess of modern communications, She rules Mainframes and Workstations as well as micro-chips in toasters. Her acolytes are reputed to be celibate and live on junk food and soda, but we have extensive evidence to the contrary. It is untrue, being merely bad press propagated by those who feel inadequate. In truth, Her cult is spreading rapidly, even gaining wide acceptance among those who have previously denigrated Her.
She likes pretty artwork and is very detail oriented. She does not tolerate requests that are incorrectly phrased. Her required sacrifice is sleep, as in, you don't get any when working with Her, and repetitive keystrokes.

 

Copius, Faxus, Printa

gem: plastic plant: papyrus, kenaf element: plastic, paper
animal: rabbit magickal tool: toner cartridge scent: toner
These are Deities of the printed word. Can be temperamental, they prefer good quality paper and inks.

 

Phonia

gems: fiber optics plants: all vines element: air
animal: spider magickal tools: telephones, answering machines scent: polystyrene
Goddess of communication and, of course, mis-communication. Delights in ringing when one is in the shower, or pursuing other activities. If mistreated, She'll add your number to phone solicitation lists and ransack your answering machine.

 

OUTDOORS:

Polychromia

gem: plastic plants: the produce section element: chromium
animal: 3-legged dog magickal tool: wheel scent: garlic
The Goddess of Shopping Carts, Polychromia can make or break your shopping trip by which carts She arranges to have nearest the front of the stack. She expresses opinions about your purchases by when the wheel sticks most severely or suddenly unsticks. She smiles upon those who bring their own bags for groceries.

 

Ped

gem: tarmac plants: grass growing in a crack element: caution
animals: duck, roadrunner magickal tool: "Ped Xing" - the sign of worship scent: smog
The God of Pedestrians. His shrines may be seen at Crosswalks and Intersections, a diamond shaped yellow sign with his likeness in black over the words, "Ped Xing". It is traditional when passing this sign either on foot, bicycle, or in a vehicle to honor him with the chant "Xing, Xing". He is fond of spilled sodas, but abhors cigarette butts and will cause you to miss your crossing light if you leave them.

 

Transita

gems: transit tokens plants: dandelion, potato element: time
animals: snail, bumblebee magickal tool: transit token, fastpass scent: bubblegum
The Goddess of Mass Transit, whether by bus, train or subway. She is invoked silently while weight is on one foot (if possible) to influence arrival or departure times of your bus or train. Likes puns. See article in Raising the Stakes, Volume 4.4, Lughnasadh 1995.


Asphalta

gems: cement plants: grass, oxalis element: earth
animal: cat magickal tool: parking meters scents: stale beer, hot asphalt
The Deity of roads and parking, she is invoked to procure the elusive "perfect parking space" at concerts, beaches, and shopping centers. Fond of spilled beer, sodas, and dropped cheeseburgers as sacraments. Happiest when drivers are considerate of other motorists, and will bless you with free parking, and a notable lack of parking tickets.

 

Spotted Horse, Squat, Carcar

gems: mirrors plant: freeway daisy element: courtesy
animals: horse (Mustang, Charger, Colt), cat (Cougar, Lynx, Jaguar), etc. magickal tool: wheel scents: car exhaust
Squat is specific to parking spots. Carcar is a Guardian of Travels. Spotted Horse works for both. Behavior required of their followers is the feeding of parking meters and paying extra at toll bridges. They appreciate your courtesy to other drivers and will reward this with miraculous aversion of accidents. Carcar's chant is: "Carcar, wherever You are, guard our travels near and far." See Asphalta.

 

The Road Fairies

gem: windshield plants: all those that grow along roads element: time
animals: octopus, cheetah magickal tools: telescope, mirrors scents: baylaurel, chapparal, Chinese food
If you have ever noticed that the same road can be longer or shorter on different days, you have noticed the road fairies at work. Often their time change is to your benefit, preventing you from being in an accident, keeping you out of heavy traffic, or giving you the time to notice the trees, hear the birds sing, or reflect upon your day. Totally unpredictable, they like incense and music, but nothing to placates them.

There are, of course, Deities and Spirits that originated in other Pantheons who have found a home in the Erisian Ranks. These include Loki and Hel (Norse), Coyote and Raven (Native American), and Anansi (African). New Deities are revealing themselves every day. If you know of any not listed here, let us know.


Bibliography:
Younger, Malaclypse the. Principia Discordia; Or, How I Found the Goddess and What I Did with Her After I Found Her. Loompanics. Seattle, WA. 1981
Adams, Douglas. The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy series. Phoenix Publishing Inc. Custer, WA 1989
Shepherd, Spirit. Transita, the Goddess of Mass Transit. Raising the Stakes, Santa Cruz, CA 1994
Witches-R-Us Cabal POEE: Personal Notes, Interviews, Hallucinations, etc...



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© 1995-2002 by Elsa DieLöwin, Eris Bananaoil and Galadriel Beachbunny.